'Dating' game at work is very dangerous
Q: I have been "dating" a guy at work for about three years. We are both married, so of course everyone gossips about us. The problem is he is very popular with other co-workers, and I don't feel I get as much attention from him as I used to. He says he cares about me and doesn't want to end the relationship, but I don't know what to do. When I try to put some distance between us, he just acts like it doesn't matter and it makes me crazy. Should I break it off?
Lonely at Work
A: For starters, let's be honest. You and your colleague are not dating. You're having an affair. If you were dating, you could ask him over to your house.
Close working relationships can easily become romantic, because every work environment is a little world unto itself. Co-workers not only share goals, problems, pressures and successes, but also have a common group of friends and acquaintances. When both parties have spouses, a workplace affair allows them to create a Fantasyland where they can escape the marital burdens of chores, child care and finances. Office couples can share secrets, declare their undying love, and have sex whenever a convenient opportunity presents itself.
Within your own fantasy world, you are dealing with a common real-world problem: jealousy. You resent the time your "boyfriend" spends with others and feel hurt when he seems indifferent. Has it occurred to you that perhaps his motives for this affair may not be the same as yours?
I'm an office coach, not a marriage coach, so I won't tackle the morality or propriety of your actions. But let me suggest you do need to consider why you've been playing this game for three years. It must fill some empty space in your life.
To get back to my own territory, though, let's talk about work. Because knowledge of this affair is widespread, your professional future could also be at risk. If decision makers know more about your romantic life than your work accomplishments, they may overlook you when career opportunities arise.
Some people do manage to combine office romance and job success, but for many others, it's a train wreck. And the sad but true fact is moral judgments still weigh more heavily on women. For example, have you ever heard of a true male equivalent for the word "slut"?
Only you can decide whether you should break off the relationship. But please recognize this truly is a game. And games end, usually, with winners and losers. If you can find a way to make your real life more rewarding than this artificial romance, you will be a much happier person.
Lonely at Work
A: For starters, let's be honest. You and your colleague are not dating. You're having an affair. If you were dating, you could ask him over to your house.
Close working relationships can easily become romantic, because every work environment is a little world unto itself. Co-workers not only share goals, problems, pressures and successes, but also have a common group of friends and acquaintances. When both parties have spouses, a workplace affair allows them to create a Fantasyland where they can escape the marital burdens of chores, child care and finances. Office couples can share secrets, declare their undying love, and have sex whenever a convenient opportunity presents itself.
Within your own fantasy world, you are dealing with a common real-world problem: jealousy. You resent the time your "boyfriend" spends with others and feel hurt when he seems indifferent. Has it occurred to you that perhaps his motives for this affair may not be the same as yours?
I'm an office coach, not a marriage coach, so I won't tackle the morality or propriety of your actions. But let me suggest you do need to consider why you've been playing this game for three years. It must fill some empty space in your life.
To get back to my own territory, though, let's talk about work. Because knowledge of this affair is widespread, your professional future could also be at risk. If decision makers know more about your romantic life than your work accomplishments, they may overlook you when career opportunities arise.
Some people do manage to combine office romance and job success, but for many others, it's a train wreck. And the sad but true fact is moral judgments still weigh more heavily on women. For example, have you ever heard of a true male equivalent for the word "slut"?
Only you can decide whether you should break off the relationship. But please recognize this truly is a game. And games end, usually, with winners and losers. If you can find a way to make your real life more rewarding than this artificial romance, you will be a much happier person.
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